Embarrassing Stories
These are some stories I’ve heard over the last year. None of them are me.
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I was fucking this girl, and she was a big girl, like the kind who’s thighs rub together, and who smell kind of bad. She had thick lips that when covered by lipstick seem to have been glued onto her face. We’d met towards the end of the night, about twenty minutes before last call, and I’d been drinking since 2 in the afternoon- it was my day off and it’d been a hot hot day, and it turned into a muggy, cool night, and I’d just kept going. It was like there was no reason to stop.
So I saw her, and she saw me and- you have to know that I’m a good looking guy, or this story doesn’t really make sense- I’m good looking, like a surfer, muscular and slim and copper brown, and my hairs thinning a little because though I look 20ish I’m actually 33.
So we see each other, and start chatting, and I forget about my friends in the back of the bar, and by the time the bar closes up, she invites me back to her place for another drink, and even though I don’t need it (the room honestly was spinning a little) I agree.
It was a good thing then I guess that we never had the drink. When we got back to her place, we just started kissing, her big mouth trying to swallow my little lips, and then a few minutes later, it was like she was trying to swallow my cock- and even for me this is a little fast, and so I excuse myself to take a piss before anything begins, and I get a cup of water. I go back and she’s laying on her bed, candles lit now, and I crawl on top and we start kissing again, and I go down on her. Thats when it hits me, her smell- it cuts right through the booze and the smoke and my weary nostrils, her pussy it just smells- like a good pussy, it has a mild flavor, like the inside of your lips, and a slight odor of human skin, but this one, it was like beyond fishy or cheesy- it was like an acrid, bitter taste at the beginning, but then it developed into a rotting carp, and finished off with a metallic flavored coating. I don’t know what was wrong. I stuck my nose down deeper, and thrust my tongue up and she started moaning, oh yeah uh huh, and for a second I forgot about the taste until my lapped in again and it came back at me, and my day flashed before my eyes and I puked, I puked right there.
OK, I knew at this point that this part was over, but she didn’t even seem to notice. So I pulled up and away and went to kiss her. She grimaced and said “god you smell like shit.” But this was just passing observation as she stuck her tongue in mouth and I stuck my dick in her pussy. The sloshing sound seemed louder than normal, and I could feel the puke getting matted onto my pubes.
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Forty minutes later we fell asleep, and six hours later she told me she had to take a shower. I slouched out, my headache developing like a polaroid, revealing it’s rainbow of pain.
My best friend and I text each other all the time when we’re in the company of others. Usually it’s asides about the people we’re hanging out with and definitely NOT for public consumption. One time we’re having dinner with a group of people in LA, and I text him, and his phone goes off- but not in his pocket, but next to a mutual friend. His phone was charging- and what does she do, but she looks down and says “XXXXX, why are you texting YYYYYYY?”
I told her it was because I had a question, and she picks up the phone and checks the message with all of us sitting there. Luckily, this was the one time I was not talking smack, but instead asking him if he could refresh my drink. Later I texted him, “that was close.”
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I was on a date with this former conservadox jewish girl, and we were making out at an eviction party when I asked if she wanted to go back to her place. I was in disguise that night- khaki’s and a sensible sweater- because I was trying to not be such a “cool kid” around her. Back at her place, we turn off the lights and I went down on her. We had been drinking for a couple of hours, so I really couldn’t taste anything. After a little while, I go back to kissing her, and I start to finger her when I feel the string of her tampon. I decide to be a gentleman/gnarley about it, and not say anything about it and she pulls it out right before we have sex. I didn’t really think about it much until the next morning, when I woke up and found that there was blood everywhere- caked under my nails, at the edge of my mouth, on the condom, on my pants. I asked for a glass of water and some aspirin for the headache, and left a little while later. We didn’t ever really see each other again.
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When I was 18 and a heroin addict, I went on a date with this 15 year old who was working on being a tweaker. She used to fuck the little brother of the girl I lost my virginity too. Anyways, I had taken acid the night before on the theory that if I took acid at eight o’clock, I wouldn’t do heroin- I was trying to manage, no rather, massage my addiction- this theory turned into bullshit, and even at the time, it didn’t make much sense. All that ended up happening was that I blew my chance to buy from my local guys, and so I had to walk to 16th to buy dope, on acid. The dealer ended up being an old black guy who’s mule was some deformed looking black lady- I don’t know if it was the acid or what, but she kept the heroin in a pre-wrapped plastic chain around her leg. I bought two packets and they snipped them off and handed to me, and I deposited it in my mouth while I walked home. While up to that everything had just been scary and loud, the acid started to really hit me, and I thought it would be a good idea to look at my heroin. It was just too much to even have anything in my mouth. The concrete looked like pockmarked human skin. And so I was staring at my tarry little jewels, when suddenly I dropped them.
I fell on my knees, but it was impossible: the packs were small- how could I see two black specks on this street of breathing human skin covered in black specks. Down the street were two homeless guys, and a brilliant idea struck me: I’d ask them for help. I had some change in my packet, I’d do it. I went over and explained the situation to them, and they were amused by it, and so they came over to the spot I thought I dropped them and we all stood around looking on the ground. Suddenly one of them says “GOT IT!” and picks up the packets and hands them to me. I give him all the change in my pocket. I grip the little packets as tightly as possible and practically run home. By this point the acid’s already peaked, and remember, this was shitty acid (the only kind i’ve ever taken), so it just tweaked me out for hours. I got home and immediatly snorted the dope and felt about a million times better. I spent the rest of the night trying to read, trying to listen to music, and then sitting in my closet crying because I wanted to get high again, and my dealers didn’t show up until nine usually. Anyways, they showed up, I scored and I was happy again.
Oh yeah, there’s a date right? Well this is what my life was mostly like, some sort of patina of friends and attempts at girls, but mainly it was drugs drugs drugs. Later in the day, I scammed my mom out of forty bucks (I told her I needed to buy groceries, and my mom was just really nice) and so I bought a gram, and went on my date.
I met up with this girl downtown, and her best friend was with her. I hadn’t slept at all, so I was basically delerious and I was dissapointed that her friend was there. Basically we just walked around for forty five minutes while I told them about my night and day, and when her friend called me crazy, I called her a bitch. They both giggled at this, and were whatever about everything. Later that night me and she talked on the phone for like a half hour, and I tried to make another date, but it wasn’t happening. She was busy telling me about how she liked black guys.
I fantasized about doing H with this girl- she’d done it before, and she seemed like the coolest 15 year old ever, though really she was just insane. Luck saved me from ending up in jail was the fact that she didn’t like me, and was not attracted to me. I was stupid enough to do it. I ended up in rehab two weeks later. I can’t even remember her name now.
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